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Is it that time of year again already? Blimey! I can’t say that I’ve been paying too much attention this season, what with this, that, and a considerable amount of the other. But I did take a quick skim through all of this year’s hot tunes (and the 30-odd lower standard numbers), and have somewhat uniquely came to the conclusion that not a single one are trying to win. So here’s a blow-by-blow breakdown to why that favourite song of yours really isn’t going to win Eurovision this year. Heck, it’ll save you the ethical trouble of actually watching the thing this time! And of course, as is the tradition, it’s not anywhere near as funny as last year…
Albania
Because no matter how dark and dramatic the song is, Alis himself doesn’t come across as remotely likeable – more like the kind of scallywag that bothers you for ciggie papers outside a newsagents on a tower block council estate.
Armenia
Because during the quick bit at the end, poor Simón keeps forgetting whether he’d shouted “One more time!” or not, and continues yelling it until the song goes so fast that he and the dancers all implode under the strain of centrifugal force into six piles of meat and giblets. Which can be tricky to accurately score for a jury.
Australia
Because brand recognition can only carry you so far when your song is as drab and derivative as this.
Austria
Anyone get the feeling that Austria really don’t want to host it again next year?
Azerbaijan
Because we’d all kind of forgotten that they were still there.
Belgium
Because when casting a singer for a dance number – and one with the word ‘dancing’ in the title at that – they really should have employed someone who can, y’know, actually dance. Or at the very least move about a bit. When I first saw her performance I genuinely thought she was doing a Yodel In The Canyon of Love, she was that static. I think they’ve slipped up here… Slip? Ice? Oh please yourselves!
Bulgaria
Because throughout the entire song you can tell that she’s just busting to get back to the bit where she does the silly voice again, so disconnected is she to the whole sorry affair. To think, they finally came back for this!
Croatia
I mean, it’s always nice to have a bit of the old witchy wood nymph stuff, but hasn’t everybody had a go at it now?
Cyprus
Talking of which, hasn’t the old nice-girl-in-her-pants-waving-her-hair-about-to-a-very-extended-dance-break trope got a bit tired too? I’m beginning to think that all those priests simply recycled their smut complaints on the off-chance that their nation would send the same song yet again.
Czechia
Because everyone knows that Crossroads was rubbish as soon as Amy Turtle left. (Niche 1970s UK TV reference there, for the youngsters and non-Brits among you. We know how much you love ’em!).
Denmark
Let’s have a look at the track record of acts that have had a bally great box to interact with on stage, shall we? Doesn’t look too good, does it. And when you add the unwritten laws of diminishing returns, this one is surely doomed to join the list of highly fancied failures. With a box.
Estonia
It’s the most perfect pop song in the contest this year. Every chord change is laser cut to exact the highest possible thrill count from the listener. And had this been 2002 I’m quite sure that it would have done very well indeed…
Finland
While one doesn’t ordinarily like to mock one’s life choices – her body, her rules and all that – it is still flipping terrifying when she marches towards camera and the set moves more than her face does. May only do well in places where people have actually heard of her. And as for him, well I’m sure he’s just happy to be there.
France
Isn’t everyone having a go at this chanson schtick this year? Will probably get lost and diluted in the crowd of Francophone wish-they-weres, however fine this song is.
Georgia
Because as we’ve all come to learn, success in Junior is no guarantee of even a place in the final in Senior.
Germany
At least it gets the badge for the highest ESC cliche count this term. That’s the only win – or points – this dog’s breakfast is getting anywhere near.
Greece
Because, going back to the law of diminishing returns, Little Big > Käärijä > Lasagne > Joost > Tommy C > Akylas – and in trying to be wacky on purpose he’s kind of missed the actual point of the whole parade of slightly quirky art pop blokes that he thinks he’s following.
Israel
Because irrespective of where you stand on the politics of the matter, this is a song that’s really going to test the perceived wisdom of the bolted-on televote winner for Israel. Because boy is it a duffer.
Italy
Because songs this splendid never come close to winning. And can you just imagine the bewildered faces of all the kids watching the telly at home when this comes on?!
Latvia
Is she famous for something else back home in Latvia? I can’t think of any other reason this old drear would have beaten pretty much anything else at Supernova this year.
Lithuania
Awww, bless dear Ceccah here. He’s had so many goes at qualifying over the years that the good people of Lithuania let him win so they’d never have to suffer his obtuse warbling and shiny-domed skulking about ever again.
Luxembourg
Oh I do like a bit of Florence and the Machine! Wait! What?
Malta
Yet another not-my-own-language attempt, and while the song’s not half bad, that danged voice is so nasal it’s like your scratching nails down a blackboard until you get to the meat beneath! Oof! And all the expensively-placed advertising in the world isn’t going to get past that.
Moldova
Because this is the unexpected outsider that always comes fourth.
Montenegro
This is the one. This is that one song that every year you can’t think of a single specific reason why it won’t win, but you just know to the very marrow of your bones that it won’t even come close.
Norway
Because if you’re going to pretend to be The Hives (and boy, that opening guitar lick is sooooo close to the plagiat!), at the very least try not to look like the teachers’ band at a high school end-of-term talent contest.
Poland
Because when you attempt to glue together a whole gaggle of musical genres, do try to ensure that at least one of them is any good. And that attempt at rap is like hearing my old Nan falteringly read her shopping list down a phone that she doesn’t entirely know how to operate.
Portugal
This popped up on random play on a lovely sunny drive across Mid-Wales, and when you don’t have to look at them it’s not actually all that bad. Unfortunately you have to look at them.
Romania
Because somebody followed her instructions to the letter…
San Marino
Because once he gets the smell of blood in his nostrils, Mr O’Dowd will want to be the true star of the performance and quietly nudge our Senhit off the edge of the stage during their first rehearsal. And the second. And if that doesn’t work, I’ve heard he’s got form at chaining people to radiators…
Serbia
How can a band that gnarly looking sound so flimsy and weak? The very antithesis of something for everyone – nothing for anyone!
Spain
Finally a Spanish song that won’t finish last!
Sweden
Because when all the very best elements of a song are the parts that you’re not singing on, perhaps it’s time to review your career options.
Switzerland
Lion with the juries, lamb with the punters, here. I can see why the real music chin-strokers will enjoy this. But normal humans? Not so much…
Ukraine
Because Frozen II called and wants its song back. But if they do let her keep it for another couple of weeks, at the exact point where she nearly hits that dolphin note near the end, all the light bulbs across the continent will begin to explode – yes, even the LED ones – and everyone’s faces will start to melt in a way reminiscent of that bit at the and of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Terrible, terrible scenes. Haven’t those people suffered enough!
United Kingdom
Because everyone amongst the voting public were so bewildered that the Sceptred Isles had sent a half-decent entry for once that they voted for Finland instead, as they assumed that something this cool could only have come from that corner of the continent, and not the UK.
So there you have it! After reading all these cock-eyed views I’m sure that you’ll agree that not one among them is going to break the glass microphone this year. And history has shown that I’m mostly right every year! So however you choose to observe Eurovision this year, may you do it peacefully and in a manner that best suits your conscience. Or getting hammered and shouting at the telly. You choose.
Roy D Hacksaw has been writing about Eurovision since deep into the last century, and he still doesn’t know what he’s talking about. You can usually read his ramblings on his blog Eurovision Apocalypse – although like Glastonbury, he had a fallow year in 2026. And if you’re a real glutton for punishment, his novel Worst. Eurovision. Ever. is still available from Earth Island Books.
