Why your song didn’t win Eurovision – The “Top” 10?

In the final part of this Eurovision review – Phil tells you why the Top 10 didn’t win – I mean one of them did but..ach.. you know!

10^th  Switzerland – 214pts Jury,  0pts Televote

This is the equivalent of something being all mouth and no trousers. I appreciate I’ll need to explain this one. This had jury bait all over it. Designed to appeal to the hearts and minds of those middle aged professionals. It’s well written, well shot (in one, fact fans) and exquisitely well performed. Twelves from Estonia, Poland and Spain, and five sets of ten votes, plus a slew of others meant that Switzerland had the best average jury position of 5.44.  Televoters, however, were not enamoured – in fact the lullaby nature meant that they didn’t have much to pick up on and “nice” doesn’t win Eurovision. “Average” in the mind of the televoter doesn’t win votes. 0 Vote, 19.58 position average.

9^th  Ukraine – 60pts Jury, 158pts Televote

I don’t get this. This song shouldn’t have got anywhere near the final, let alone qualify and finish in the top 10. The jurors clearly didn’t think so, especially in France and Iceland where it was positioned in last place. A highest score of 8 from the Portuguese jury but not a lot else. The televoters saw Ukraine and went “awwww… let’s chuck them a few votes” … and people did … in their droves! Three maxes here – Czechia, Israel and Poland (of course!) and three lots of  ten points.

8^th Albania – 45pts Jury, 173pts Televote

A typical Albanian performance and actual result if we are dead honest.  This song was never going to win in a million years, despite what the internet would tell you (had you read X). What the diaspora did here is up for debate, but I suspect those 173 televotes are a little bit inflated. The jury just saw a shouty woman and a grumpy old man.

7^th France – 180pts Jury, 50pts Televote

If Albania was aimed at the televoters, then the juries were definitely in the sights of France 2.  They believed that they would win, huge swathes of the Eurovision internet thought they would win too, however they all forgot one thing. Thus had zero for your normal televoter to latch onto.  It wasn’t exciting enough for them to throw money at, but that will never stop the French entering chanson after chanson, cos they believe that is what this contest needs. A shade under 13 average televote position, compared to 7.50 under the juries.

6^th Greece – 105pts Jury, 126pts Televote

Nope – Literally no fucking idea. Please tell me how, cos I don’t get it. 12^th with the juries and 11^th with the televote. And by the magic of ‘scoring’ that puts it top six. Way too many points all round for my liking!

5^th Italy – 159pts Jury, 97pts Televote

As opposed to Greece, I get this one. This is a beautiful song (in this contest that I still believe Italy can win as and when it chooses). It chose not to win this year, but Top 5 should have always been on the cards for this one. I thought it was a bit shit at Sanremo, but when it was placed here, with the subtitles, I cried, and I’m not ashamed to say it. Bowie meets Eurovision went down well with the jurors with five sets of twelve points giving Italy an average of just under 9^th place.  Televoters are stupid and wrong, and couldn’t see the quiet class here but 9.31 average position does not equate to a satisfying result.

4^th Sweden – 126pts Jury, 195pts Televote

Europe clearly is stupid and wrong. I firmly believe that this should have won but it didn’t … so meh. I reckon the European Juries did what the Melodifestival Juries didn’t – and penalised fun by marking it down. 9.44 average jury position. Televoters saw a fun song about a sauna, and gave it loads of love, but only four maximum scores in among loads of high points, and an average position of 6.06.  I’ll get over this, but it will take a while.

3^rd – Estonia –  98pts Jury, 258pts Televote

Having just said all that, this is just televoters voting for the “Eurovision” song to the detriment of Sweden. Tommy Cash with his “song” had no right to do so well in this company. The juries mostly saw right through charade and almost universally ignored it. It wasn’t “the best” anywhere in Europe, though Belgium and Italy (of course) thought it second best. Jury average place of 10.19.  Televoters giving it single number positions all over Europe, apart from France cos they are too classy for this nonsense (14^th) – Average placing 4.36 and a 2^nd position

2^nd Israel – 60pts Jury, 297pts Televote

Shai, of this parish, might not agree with this – but it certainly *seems* that there has been a bit of skulduggery with the televote here. We know what the Israeli government/embassies did last year and I’d stake what is left of my reputation that it’s happened again. This song was NOT the best song in the contest, nor should it deserve THIRTEEN first place votes. The juries, however, were (allegedly) probably “advised” that an Israeli win would be not a good thing,  and duly marked it down enough for Kan not to win.

1^st Austria – 258pts Jury, 178pts Televote.

Well it scored the most points, so it won! It’s never quite that easy is it though? JJs song was clearly aimed at the juries – dramatic performance? (TICK). Vocal range? (TICK). Overall look being any good? (TICK). Hit potential? Well, they seemed to think so – I’m not so sure. Eight sets of twelve points, but the average below Switzerland’s by 0.2 (5.44 to 5.64). Televoters were not so sure either. Tellingly (though possibly at the risk of repeating, Israel’s shenanigans might have robbed JJ of some of those twelves), but five sets of ten points and points from loads of countries meant 178 televote points, and the fourth highest position of 6.28

So there you go – most of you won’t agree but hey – that’s why we love the contest!